You Can’t Beat My Gundam Fighter Shuffle Alliance, But You Can Certainly try

No I don’t really think my version Mobile Fighter G Gundam’s super team is really that broken, but I certainly tried. I think I just put together a group that is almost equally fail as it is awesome. Or, the group is awesome because the characters are fail in some way and my annoyance with them is mitigated somewhat because I can imagine how they alternately fail and succeed in working together.

For those unfamiliar with the Gundam Fight, it’s just an alternate universe (in the Gundam franchise) way of nation-states to settle conflicts, particularly that of who gets to rule all the nation states. The Shuffle Domain, or Shuffle Alliance is a group of five Gundam Fighters:

Throughout history, the mysterious secret society known as the Shuffle Alliance has watched over humanity from the shadows, intervening to steer the world away from destruction and enforce the codes of conduct that govern warfare. The current inheritors of this ancient tradition appear during the 13th Gundam Fight to confront one of their rogue members, the renegade King of Hearts. The acting leader of the team is the chain-wielding Black Joker, who is accompanied by the brilliant tactician Jack of Diamonds, the knife-hurling Queen of Spades, and the martial arts master Ace of Clubs.

Source: Gundam Official Site.

Without further ado, here is We Remember Love’s version of the Shuffle Alliance! (actually, just my version LOL) While I don’t think that they’re useful against fighting evil, being a bunch of villains themselves – but I do think they will kick the asses of your version of the Shuffle Alliance!

gundam gym ghingnham god gundam bakuretsu god finger

Name: Gym Ghingnham
Show: Turn A Gundam
Faction: Moonrace (Ghingnham Fleet)
Relations: Merrybell Gadget
Shuffle Symbol: King of Hearts
Gundam: God Gundam
Quirks: Believes humanity can only achieve its true potential during times of war; carries a katana as an affectation.

In a battle, people will awaken their own instinct to fight!

gundam dozle zabi destroy gundam attack mode

Name: Dozle Zabi
Show: Mobile Suit Gundam
Faction: Principality of Zeon
Relations: Degwin, Ghiren, Kycillia, Garma, Zena and Mineva Zabi (et al)
Shuffle Symbol: Black Joker
Gundam: Destroy Gundam
Quirks: Devoted family man (except to Kycillia).

When the Destroy Gundam is mass produced…

gundam yazan gable gp03 dendrobium orchis

Name: Yazan Gable
Show: Mobile Suit Z Gundam
Faction: Earth Federation Titans
Relations: No information
Shuffle Symbol: Jack of Diamonds
Gundam: Gundam Dendrobium Orchis
Quirks: Likes to violate peeps.

I’m going to violate you!

gundam ramba ral reborns gundam guncannon mode

Name: Ramba Ral
Show: Mobile Suit Gundam
Faction: Principality of Zeon
Relations: Hamon Crowley, Edward and Sayla Mass
Shuffle Symbol: Ace of Clubs
Gundam: Guncannon Reborns Gundam
Quirks: Likes to improve people’s overall knowledge and familiarity with mobile suits.

This is no Guncannon boy! This is no Guncannon…

gundam jerid messa gundam 00 raiser

Name: Jerid Messa
Show: Mobile Suit Z Gundam
Faction: Earth Federation Titans
Relations: Lira Rira, Mouar Pharaoh, Kacricon Cacooler <3~
Shuffle Symbol: Queen of Spades
Gundam: Gundam 00 Raiser
Quirks: DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.

Why am I piloting a Gundam? I HATE GUNDAM!

So here they are, my version of the Shuffle Alliance. You think you can do better? BRING IT ON!

(REMEMBER: The Gundam Fighters, ergo all members of the Shuffle Alliance must be piloting GUNDAMS and not mobile armors or other mobile suits. HARD MODE: State specifically HOW EXACTLY YOUR SHUFFLE ALLIANCE IS GOING TO PWN MY SHUFFLE ALLIANCE)

Further Reading:

Shuffle Alliance Shrine [->]

About ghostlightning

I entered the anime blogging sphere as a lurker around Spring 2008. We Remember Love is my first anime blog. Click here if this is your first time to visit WRL.
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58 Responses to You Can’t Beat My Gundam Fighter Shuffle Alliance, But You Can Certainly try

  1. Robert Weizer says:

    Do the characters have to be gundam characters, though?

    • Robert Weizer says:

      because to be quite honest, I’ve only seen 0083, the first MSG movie, rewatching G Gundam, wing back on cartoon network, half of zeta years ago, 08th MS team years ago, and the first 8 eps of Turn A

      i don’t feel comfortable going beyond that despite the fact I have tons of secondhand knowledge about stuff I haven’t seen

  2. schneider says:

    This post. Jerid is an awesome touch.

    • I don’t want your praise. FIGHT ME.

      • schneider says:

        Fine, I’ll bite.

        King of Hearts: Judau Ashta – Full Armor ZZ Gundam (counters God Finger with HIGH MEGA CANNON)
        Black Joker: Seabook Arno – Gundam F91 (can’t touch this)
        Jack of Diamonds: Kamille Bidan – Z Gundam (souls of dead people > I-Field)
        Ace of Clubs: Amuro Ray – Hi-Nu Gundam (better funnels, history repeating itself, etc)
        Queen of Spades: Kira Yamato – Strike Freedom Gundam (“Stop that. If we really had a fight there’s no way you’d be able to beat me.”)

        • Gingnham and the God Gundam are atomized because JUDAU ASHTA IS THE PINNACLE OF HUMAN EVOLUTION.

          The F91 with all its h4x manages to wreck the Destroy Gundam but is unable to save itself from critical damage. Dozle steps out with an assault rifle and punches Seabrook full of holes.

          Kamille uses both NT Barrier and WATERMELON ATTACK against Yazan. Yazan dies horribly.

          Amuro has the better Gundam, is a better pilot, and is a powerful NT etc etc. Poor Ramba Ral never had a chance.

          Kira Yamato falls in love with Jerid and does a heel-face-turn. Amuro Kills him and Kamille Kills Jerid (again).

          FINE, YOU WIN. BUT YOU PICKED GOD MODE PILOTS HURRR

  3. Myssa Rei says:

    LOL At the massive ham, Gym Ghingnham himself getting God Gundam… Fitting since Turn-X has the Shining Finger attack as well.

  4. My team:

    King of Hearts: Elzam – Turn A Gundam
    Black Joker: Elzam – God Gundam
    Queen of Hearts: Elzam – Turn X Gundam
    Jack of Diamonds: Elzam – Devil Gundam
    Ace of Spades: Elzam – Gundam DX

    • Gym orders Jerid to advance first. Elzam in the Gundam DX catches a glimpse of the tall drink of water that is Jerid Messa and is besotted with infatuation amidst a hail of GN Particles, feathers, and cherry blossoms.

      Elzam: WHY ARE WE FIGHTING?!!! FIGHTING IS WRNG!!! (steps out of the cockpit and uses the verniers of his normal suit to come to Jerid)

      Gym: BAKURETSU GOD FINGER!
      Elzam: AAAAAAAAA
      Gym: HEAT END!
      Elzam: *dies*

      Moral lesson: Stop h4xxing my Shuffle Alliance with Godmode characters and suits.

  5. Crusader says:

    Will try to post on why your choices suck but in the mean time

    King of Hearts: Master Asia in Master Gundam
    Black Joker: Schwartz Bruder in Shadow Gundam
    Queen of Hearts: Yazan Gable in RX-78GP02A Gundam Physalis
    Jack of Diamonds: Prince Ali in Gundam Dendrobium Orchis
    Ace of Spades: Patrick Colasour in Dark Gundam

  6. vendredi says:

    I’m going to go ultra-traditional here.

    King of Hearts: Char Aznable in Nu Gundam
    Black Joker: Mister Bushido in 00 Raiser
    Queen of Hearts: Rau La Creuset in Providence Gundam
    Jack of Diamonds: Full Frontal in Unicorn Gundam
    Ace of Spades: Zechs Merquise in Epyon Gundam

    Don’t know about combat effectiveness, but it will be FABULOUS.

  7. Hm.

    King of Hearts: Simon the Driller – God Gundam (because manly passion makes it stronger)
    Black Joker: Rail Tracer – RX-78 (because Rail Tracer is great at being utterly invincible even though his opponents are immortal and he isn’t)
    Queen of Hearts: Nono – Wing Gundam Custom (Most retardedly huge and overpowered Gundam I know if with a gun that can destroy the moon or whatever, and Nono is great with ridiculously huge robots.)
    Jack of Diamonds: Ikari Shinji – Hurricane Gundam (Just to rub it in your face that you are loosing to a team with Ikari Shinji on it piloting the stupidest gundam ever.)
    Ace of Spades: Lemmy – Turn A Gundam (I SEE IT IN YOUR EYES, TAKE ONE LOOK AND DIE! THE ONLY THING YOU SEE, YOU KNOW IT’S GUNNA BE, THE ACE OF SPADES! THE ACE OF SPADES!)

    I AM THE STRONGEST.

  8. Cobrafire says:

    You had me until you mention Jerid.

    So, can we pick any mecha character, or are we just limited to Gundam characters?

    • It’s better if we keep things Gundam, but you’re free to have fun with it.

      What do you have against Jerid?

      But you know, a healthy hatred for Jerid Messa is conducive to a long life. If you fall in love with him…

  9. drmchsr0 says:

    King of Hearts: Jiron Amos (Xabungle) in Nether Gundam (JERID KILLED HIS PARENTS, I THINK)
    Black Joker: Gain Bijou (Overman King Gainer) in Gundam Dynames (Sniper. Sniper Rifle.)
    Queen of Hearts: Haman Karn in Psycho Gundam MKII (SHE ONLY HAS EYES FOR CHAR. YES THAT CHAR)
    Jack of Diamonds: Shiro Amada (08th MS Team) in Gundam Dendrobium Orchis (HE IS THE SHOOTIEST)
    Ace of Spades: Zengar Zonvolt (SRW) in… … … … … MBF-P02 Gundam Astray Red Frame (SWORD, MEET EVIL)

    Shit, I think all of them might fall for Jerid.

    • drmchsr0 says:

      Also, can I cheat and go Gain is going to snipe them all dead from long range? Or that Zenger is going to smite them all dead with his anti-ship heat katana?

      Jiron vs Gym: HAM FIGHT. And since Jiron is the bigger, goofier ham, he wins.
      Jerid vs Zengar: Zengar is so manly Jerid shrivels from his manliness. No really.
      Dozle vs Gain: Gain blows Dozle from extreme range. No really.
      Yazan vs Haman: I don’t think the GP-03A stands a chance against the Psycho Mk2.
      Shiro vs Ramba: Boom.

      • Your victory is completely contingent on Zengar not falling in love with Jerid. I can accept that, but it’ll still take some doing. Good thing you didn’t go with your sniper tactic. Gain would just see Jerid up close and amplify the love factor.

  10. Robert Weizer says:

    Gentle Chapman in Wing Zero Ver. Katoki
    Master Asia in the Raider Gundam
    Bernard Monsha in the Gundam X Divider
    Ramba Ral in the Gundam Mark V
    Jerid with a moustache in Turn A Gundam

    I think I’ve won utterly and completely.

  11. Laughing Crow says:

    Ok, im going to try and put pilots who never get there hands on a gundam into a gundam here (exception being 00, cause everyone freaking pilots a gundam in that)

    Unfortunently I have only seen Gundam Wing, SEED, SEED Destiny and first season of 00. I know of other characters through wikipedia and the game Dynasty Warriors 2 Gundam.
    Char (Chars counter attack) ‘King of Hearts’ in the Epyon
    Reasons: Unfortunately I dont know much about the God Gundam except from the posts above. I assume that its power weapon is a beam cannon, thus, i have pitted it up against a suit that will force it to fight in melee. The Epyons ability to transform will give it the speed and maneuverability to get in close. I would put Zechs in the cockpit but as said above i wish to avoid characters that pilot a Gundam in a series.
    Rau Le Creuset ‘Black Joker’ in the Zero (not the Wing Zero, the original suit heero used)
    Reasons: *shudders* i hate to think what would happen if Rau actually got his hands on so much fire power. My reasons are more about my enemy then anything else. The Destroy has massive firepower but is a brick on legs, not very fast. Zero has fire power, can dnace around the Destroy and has an ace pilot in the seat, i think we have a winner. I seriously thought of putting Mu La Flaga in there, but he piloted a Gundam in SEED Destiny. Also I’ve always had an attachment to Char ‘clones’.
    Rashid (leader of the Maganac Corps) ‘Jack of Diamonds’ Blitz
    Reasons: When unsure of an enemy use stealth. I originall planned on Putting Treize in The Exia here, but thought he may get blasted by a weapon i didnt know the suit had. Rashid, leader of the Maganac Corps fights using surprise, thus I put him in the Blitz allowing him to take advantage of the Mirage collide ability. I was gonna put him in the DeathScythe Hell but changed it as Rashid is only seen in suits using ranged weapons, something the Hell lacks but the Blitz has.
    Noin ‘Ace of Clubs’ in the Impulse
    Reasons: Noin is one of few female characters who I like out of the Gundam Universe. She proves a good pilot when defending the Sanc Kingdom in Wing. I have given her access to the Impulse as she seems to handle air based suits (piloting an Aeris and Taurus). I would have given her the freedom however, due to her being a ‘natural’ she would not have the ability to use its Dragoons correctly.
    Graham Aker ‘Queen of Spades’ Gundam Savior.
    Reasons: Im placing my hopes in Grahams skill in piloting suits that focus on maneuverability and are capable of transforming into ‘fighters’ . I gave him a suit closest to the FLAG as possible (Saviour appearing as the fastest transformable suit in all the series I’ve watched). I would have given him the Epyon or Wing Zero, but as these are heavier, i decided their bulk would be more of a problem then an advantage.

    To the battle:
    Char in the Epyon: unknown, ill leave you this one
    Rau in the Zero: Dances around the Destroy taking off its legs with two blast before ending it with a beam cannon shot to the cockpit. Unfortunently, the cannon is now useless (three shots a day) so he is left with the beam saber, sheild and vulcans. Not to shabby.

    Noin in the Impulse: Though an admirable fight, Noin comes out victorious, her mobility and the ability to outchange damaged parts prevails, though she has lost two packs (the sword striker and the blast).

    Rashid in the Blitz: Let you work this one out, please not however Rashid gets three missiles in due to the mirage collide allowing him to sneak up on Yazen.

    Graham Aker in the Savior: Once again, left to you as I dont know the Raisers abilitys. Graham comes in guns blazing in ‘mobile armor’ mode.

  12. Great effort man, I really appreciate you indulging me here ^_^

    The God Gundam is THE melee Gundam of Gundams. The ultimate move is the EXPLODING GOD FINGER (and it’s as awesome as it sounds). It has no distance weaponry except the vulcans on its head. Domon Kasshu (the original pilot) normally starts finishing opponents by saying “THIS HAND OF MINE IS BURNING RED, AND IT’S TELLING ME TO SEIZE VICTORY… EXPLODING GOD FINGAAAAAAAAA” (The burning hand type attack is also used by Gym Ginghnham’s Turn X Gundam, Shinn Asuka in his b0rken ride, and Kallen Kozuki in her Gurren Mk 2 Knightmare Frame).

    Figthing it with an Epyon is like trying to out-shoot the Wing Zero Custom with a water pistol. You should try playing it on Dynasty Warriors Gundam 2.

    I think you did well to beat Dozle in the Destroy Gundam.

    Stealth isn’t much of an advantage in a straightforward Gundam Fight (which is really like a pro wrestling match using Gundams, with a live audience and commentary, etc. — yes, it’s really like the Tenkaishi Budo Kai in Dragon Ball Z).

    The Dendrobium Orchis is a huge armor that will take the missile damage and dish out a whole boatload of missiles. Even if you manage to destroy the armor, the Gundam Dendrobium Stamen is ‘inside’ and will carve up what’s left of the opponent.

    Graham was never able to beat the Exia, and the 00 Raiser is a far more broken version. It’s cool though since Graham as a character is in the tradition of Jerid as the blonde dude that always loses to a Gundam and is consequently always pissed off.

    I suggest you try to play more missions in Dynasty Warriors Gundam using different characters. Or better yet, watch Gundam 00 and of course get intimate with the Universal Century. Trust me on this.

    • Laughing Crow says:

      alright i will, currently im just trying to level all the suits up for later. I skipped Domon in mission mode as I encountered him in Heero’s story, where he kept shout stuff about a gundam fight and heero told him to shut up and stop giving away their position.

      Unfortunately very few Gundam games are done well, and even fewer on the Xbox 360.

      • Laughing Crow says:

        also, would you mind if i break the rules here so i can see how well a regular mobile suit would do against your Gundam team?

        • You mean non-Gundams? Oh go ahead and run with it ^_^

          • Laughing Crow says:

            ok, ill be defeated, but no so spectacularly XD

            Rau Le Cruset gets upgraded to ‘King of hearts’ in the Providence ZAKU
            Reasons: after foolishly going up against the God Gundam in melee, ive decided to go with the strategy of keeping it busy with dragoons while Rau can line up a decent shot from his high-energy beam rifle. I dont expect to win, though i hope to at least force the God Gundam into some time in the repair bays after we’re done.

            Noin now takes the crown of ‘Black Joker’ meeting the Destroy with her White Taurus Mobile suit.
            Reasons: dont fix what isnt broke.

            Char after his humiliating defeat is bumped down to ‘Jack of Diamonds’ and given the Mercurius.
            Reasons: I hope the Mercuriuses planet defencers will hold of the enemies fire until he is close enough to use his beam saber on the Orchis. Also if the suit is dismounted it will hold up in melee pretty well.

            Rashid is given the boot and replaced by, drum role please, Sergei Smirnov in the Virgo 2 (armed with a beam rifle instead of a beam cannon).
            Reasons: similar to my reasoning against Yazen, im hoping the virgo’s planet defenders hold out against the guncannon gundam allowing it to get close and utilize its twin beam sabers

            And once again we have Graham Aker fighting Jerid in a GN Over FLAG.
            Reasons: Im a flag fan boy haha

            Also, lets define the battlefield, as a surface/air or space battle may change the effectiveness of some suits. SO lets say this is a space battle near a space colony. Destroying the colony is an automatic loss to the side that did it, so watch heavy fire.

            Ill leave this battle role to the expert ghostlightning.

          • Robert Weizer says:

            now you’re leaving gundam fight territory and getting into lame stereotypical versus mode

            and gl’s side would still win.

          • Laughing Crow says:

            haha sorry. and i just played through Domons story on Dynasty Warriors Gundam 2. You were not kidding about Burning Gundam (yes, unfortunately its the American name) being the god of melee.

          • Shining Gundam first then God Gundam… so Burning Gundam is the American name for God Gundam? What did they call the Devil Gundam?

          • Laughing Crow says:

            Dark Gundam *rolls eyes* and the Deathscythe Hell was censored to Deathscythe H.

          • I’m NOT an expert.

            The battle will have to be a straight Gundam Fight, one on one with safety barriers to form the ring, and an audience.

            The thing about the mass produced suits you chose, they’re well, mass-produced and therefore do not have the plot armor prototypes do. If you watch enough Gundam, you’ll see that damage is relative, and durability is even more so.

            Your suits just won’t stand a chance. The Overflag couldn’t even beat Exia, the 00 Raiser is just way too broken against it.

            If you watch Stardust Memory, you’ll see how the Mercurius is so dead. The GPO3 can destroy entire fleets at long range, and has full Gundam ability at close range… not to mention even while the Orchis is intact its beam saber is longer than 2 Gundams.

            The Reborns Gundam can play range in Guncannon mode, and is a monster at close range at Gundam mode. It also has Trans-am mode so it’s just not fair.

          • Laughing Crow says:

            ah i see. yeah unfortunently my access to anime is prett limited (i used to live close to a store that sold lots of manga/anime) but moved to the outback where most peoples experience with anime stops at Dragonball Z.

          • woah the outback. If you can manage a torrent download the original Mobile Suit Gundam movie trilogy. That’ll set you up real good.

            And since you’re down there, and entering the world of Gundam, stay away from Sydney. You’ll thank me later.

          • Laughing Crow says:

            Haha dont worry, Im a Queenslander, i wouldnt go there anyway

  13. JDMFLCL says:

    King of Hearts: Char Aznable – Nu Gundam
    Black Joker: Bernie Wiseman – Rx-78 “Alex”
    Queen of Hearts: Haman Khan – FA ZZ Gundam
    Jack of Diamonds: Norris Packard – EZ-8
    Ace of Spades: Jerid Messa- Zeta Gundam

    All of the “sadly fallen” heroes of U.C in the mobile suits that killed them (or at least for all intents in purposes in Char’s case)

  14. Qan[T] Warrior says:

    I’ve got nothing to do today. I’ll take you on.

    Name: Ali Al-Saachez
    Show: Gundam 00
    Faction: Earth Sphere Federation/A-LAWS
    Relations: Soran Ibrahim
    Shuffle Symbol: King of Hearts
    Gundam: GNW-20000 Arche Gundam
    Quirks: Is very self-centered.
    (FANGZ FLIE!)

    Name: Corin Nander
    Show: Turn A Gundam
    Faction: Dianna Counter
    Relations: Dianna Soriel
    Shuffle Symbol: Black Joker
    Gundam: XXXG-01D2 Gundam Deathscythe Hell
    Quirks: Is absolutely insane. Likes to kill Gundams.
    (I’ll Gundam you with my Gundam!)

    Name: Paptimus Scirocco
    Show: Mobile Suit Z Gundam
    Faction: Earth Federation/Titans, Jupitris
    Relations: Palace Athene, Bolinoak Sammahn, The-O, Titania
    Shuffle Symbol Jack of Diamonds
    Gundam: FA-007GIII Full Armor Gundam MK III (You think your mobile suit is a match for The-O? Well that’s too d*mn bad! Eat Gundam, b*tch!)

    Name: Athrun Zala
    Show: Mobile Suit Gundam SEED Destiny
    Faction: Three Ships Alliance
    Relations: Patrick and Lenore Zala, Kira Yamato, Lacus Clyne, Cagalli Yula Attha, Shinn Asuka, Meyrin Hawke
    Shuffle Symbol: Ace of Clubs
    Gundam: ZGMF-X19A ∞ Justice Gundam (War isn’t about being a hero! It’s about big@$$ backpacks!)

    Name: Amuro Ray
    Show: Mobile Suit Gundam: Char’s Counterattack
    Faction: Londo Bell
    Relations: White Base crew, Beltorchika Irma, Chan Agi
    Shuffle Symbol: Queen of Spades
    Gundam: GAT-X105E+AQM/E-X09S Strike Noir Gundam
    (I haven’t even scratched the surface of what this… Wait… What the H*ll is this thing?!)

    Thar ya go.

    • The Jupitris rams into the Destroy Gundam.

      Dozle: NOTTO DIS SHITTU AGAIN

      Amuro wastes him.

      Paptimus’ heart will get torn, he can’t bear to watch Ali and Jerid rip each other to shreds.

      Corin can’t stand Paptimus’ weakness so he starts swinging wildly lopping off the God Gundam’s Shining Finger, and poor Ramba Ral.

      However, he also cuts open the ∞ Justice Gundam’s backpack…

      Athrun: …

      A massive explosion from the Gate of Zedan all the way to Von Braun City to Jaburo blasts everyone apart.

      Amuro does his best to stop the moon from falling,

      Yazan finds himself stranded in Shangri-la colony.

  15. Matt Wells says:

    Sorry I’m so late to the party on this one, but I couldn’t resist. Indulge me: I don’t know the franchise nearly well enough to populate my Shuffle Alliance entirely with Gundam characters. Hence why I’m padding out the ranks with characters from other series.

    King of Hearts: Ryusei Date from Super Robot Wars OG: The Inspectors. Piloting the Zeta Gundam, since his own R-1 is basically Zeta with a Shining Finger, head vuclans, psychic energy powered, alternate plane mode and all.

    Queen of Spades: Sayla Mass from Mobile Suit Gundam. Piloting the Nobel Gundam for reasons I’ll explain in a minute.

    Jack of Diamonds: Kung Fu badass, sword master and cyborg hero of justice Rom Stoll, from Machine Robo: The Revenge of Cronos. Piloting the Shining Gundam.

    Ace of Clubs: Tobia Arronax from Mobile Suit Gundam Crossbone. Piloting the Crossbone Gundam Full Cloth, the one loaded up with four I-Field generators and multiple beam cloaks.

    Black Joker: Char Aznable from Mobile Suit Gundam. Piloting the RX-78CA Gundam Char Aznable Custom from the videgame Ghiren’s Game. Basically the original Gundam with Char colours and a Gelgoog shield.

    Alternatively, here’s my Wild Card: Chirico Cuvie from Armored Trooper VOTOMS, piloting Bernie Wiseman’s MS-06FZ Zaku II Kai. He could beat your team single handedly, except for Jerid whom he would passionately fall in love with. This small victory is nullified by the fact that every single person Chirico ever forms a romantic attachment to usually ends up gound into hamburger meat. Win the battle but lose the war. Regardless, here’s how I see the actual fight going down.

    Round 1: Ryusei VS. Jerid. Prioritiing Jerid as the greatest obstacle to victory, my Shuffle Alliance sends out its secret anti-Jerid weapon: robot otaku Rusei Date. Ryusei is everything Jerid despises, a wangsty psychic teenager in a Gundam with Newtype haxor. He’s even immune to Jerid’s studly charms due to his status as robosexual, and Exia’s lumpy backpack don’t make his dick hard. One bio-sensor powered RAEG SABER later and Jerid is out, bitching about how these fucking Newtype kids in fucking Gundams keep making him look a moron. Dispatching him in Zeta only rubs salt in his wounds.

    Round 2: Sayla VS. Ramba Rall. Sayla’s long hours on the cmbat simulator are for naught when Lol-Tomino internal logic kicks in and decrees that as a woman, she is not allowed to be a competent pilot, lest her vagina shames her male colleagues. Nobel Gundam takes a beating and Sayla crawls out bruised and broken before Rall even gets a chance to Trans Am. Ramba evacuates his Guncannon Reborns Gundam at the sight of an alive Miss Artesia, whom he thoughtdead all these years! This backfires (for a second time) when Ryusei immediately smashes the unoccupied mobile suit. Ramba gives a valiant stand, trying to kamikaze Zeta and psychologically scar its young pilot. He does minimal damage, and Ryusei, unlike Amuro, is already desensitised to death after years of playing videogames, cleans the smears of Ramba of his windshield. He spends the rest of the tournament humping the prone shell of Nobel Gundam, because “The slut was BEGGING for it, lying there with her hydraulic joints and eye cameras!” Ryusei REALLY likes robots. In THAT way, yes.

    Round 3: Battle of the Large Hams! Rom Stoll VS. Gym Gingnham! Shining Fingers, Blazing Hearts! Before the battle, our fighters converse briefly in a cordial fashion:

    Gym: “Aha ha ha ha! LET ANY CHALLENGERS COME FORTH BEFORE THE MIGHTY GYM GINGNHAM! WE ASSURE YOU THAT WE CAN WEATHER ANY PITIFUL SLIGHT YOU MIGHT BRING UPON OUR PERSON! LET US SHOW YOU OUR GLORIOUS WAR!!!”

    Rom: “MATTE!!! (cue badass trumpet theme)… You talk of war fool? A bloodthirsty barbarian like you knows nothing of the true meaning of combat! People call it… love. The soul of a fighter is to protect those precious to you! A battle mad dog such as yourself shall never know the heavy burden true stength demands! PEACE IS WHAT ALL TRUE WARRIORS STRIVE FOR! THAT IS TRUE STENGTH!”

    Gym: “WHAT KNOW YE OF STRENGTH! WE SHALL DEMONSTRATE THE GLORY OF GREAT WAR TO YOUR UNWORTHY PERSONAGE! WHAT NAME DO YOU GO BY, CLOCKWORK MAN?!!”

    Rom: “SCUM LIKE YOU DOESN’T DESERVE TO KNOW MY NAME!!!! VIIIII-FORMATION! COME FORTH! SHININGUU GUNDAM!!! GUNDAM FIGHTOOO!!!”

    Gym: “LEADDDDYYYY…”

    Rom: “GOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

    …Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. Anyway, Gingnham may have the advantage in mobile suit power, but he lacks actual experience as a fighter but Rom has been piloting motion capture mecha before Gingnham was a glint on Tomino’s scalp, and being a certified kung fu master and expert swordsman helps out. Not to mention that Rom INVENTED the frigging God Finger! Gym puts up a brave struggle, but in the end Rom’s Hokuto Shinken is stronger.

    Rom: “My name… IS ROM STOLL!!! SHININGUU FINGAH… SMASH!!! …SEIBAIII!!!!!!”

    Gym: “UNIVERSUUUUUU!!!!”

    Round 4: Tobia VS. Yazan. Lot of misdirection on this one, and frankly it could go either way. Yazan loves nothing more in life than viloating little boys, but Tobia is the 14 year old Gundam protagonist who mastered the Bright Slap on whiny Newtypes. He may not have the raw power or skill of Kamille, but his GAR level makes up for it. If Yazan does the smart thing he’ll stick to mid range and pelt Crossbone Gundam FC with missiles till one finally hits. Fancy I-Fields aren’t nothing against good old explosives, and Tobia can’t dodge ALL of them, he’s no Amuro. That said, Yazan allways favours the personal approach, getting in close range so he can do something nasty.

    My strategy hinges on Yazan throwing caution to the wind and going in close for the kill on Tobia witth those giant beam sabers. If he gets in at close range he’s a sitting duck, Crossbone will carve him and the clunky Dendrobium up like a turkey. Infighting is the specialty of all Crossbone series Gundams. Yazan’s mega particle cannon is no good against a suit that tanks beam wepaonry, and Tobia is good enough to take on the Stamen portion if he tries to eject. Your call: is Yazan a clever enough pilot to play to the stengths of his mobile suit, or will his love of violating fey teenagers overide common sense?

    Round 5: Char Aznable VS. Dozle Zabi. Char seems at a great disadvantage here. He’s in an outdated suit against a shiny new Mobile Weapon. So how does he come out on top? PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE. The fight goes down something like this:

    Dozle (gloating and showing of his new toy): “HA HA! So the mighty Red Comet comes to face me in the Feddie’s little prototype mobile suit? I’d have thought your speed would be bettter utlised running away! GYA HA HA!”

    Char: “Ah Admiral. In the interest of a fair and honest fight, I’d like to get something off my chest. I sent your little brother to his death, I’ll eventually rule Zeon while your family line withers and dies, and 12 years from now I’m going to fuck your daughter.”

    Dozle: “Wha-what-WHAAAAAT?!!!”

    Char: “Yes, I really feel terrible about the whole thing. Dreadful affair. She was a fucking AWFUL lay too, your sister was WAY better, even if she had long since finished puberty.”

    Dozle: “I… Why I… I…”

    Char: “Did I mention to neglect that neither of them were as good as your aforementioned dead brother? That Garma did things with hair curl that would make a WHORE blush.”

    Dozle: “…………”

    Dozle forfeits the match and leaves a broken man, his fighting spirit crushed by the reality of just how thoroughly Char has fucked him over. Char’s eyes glint malevolently, and Sayla spends the rest of the tournament running around after CASVARUU NIIIIIIIII SAAAAAANN!!! Char fucks her too, but he wears his mask whilst he does it, so that makes it okay.

    SEE YOU AGAIN GUNDAM FIGHT 14!

    • I submit. Utter defeat. Really good job.

      The fight went out of us when Jerrid fell, but Char really did us in. I should hold a new tournament sometime.

      • Matt Wells says:

        Since I cheated and used three non-Gundam pilots, I ACHIEVED NOTHING. My victories were the result of comic contrivance and had nothing on your glorious Jerid strategem. I second the motion of a second tournament, it could make a really great warm up to Sai-Mecha 2012.

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