Over the course of this tournament I have discovered the remarkable range of perversion, bad sense, and full retardation of people who watch anime with robots in them. I find myself rather alone, unique, special in that I actually vote sensibly, with dignitas and auctoritas as if a Senator in the Epic Era of the Roman Republic. It is only fitting that I accept the honor and responsibility as consul of the Republic of Robot Appreciation with ExecutiveOtaku as Co-Consul.
Despite the Vandals, Gauls, Goths, Huns, Asians and other cultureless hordes that now bang at the gates of the polls with all the sense of a bag of cocks, the Super Dimensional Robot Tournament Sai Mecha moves on. The citizens of the Republic must be entertained, and gladiatorial diversions are in order. To the Coliseum!
Match 1: Gunbuster vs. some purple clown
The purple clown pops up from underground like a mole, then its opponent rises from the underground hangar, arms folded…
Each only has 5 minutes of operating time. The purple clown tears its own armor off, reveals a mouth with teeth, GIVES A LOUD ROAR, crawls on all fours and…
humps the Gunbuster on the leg like a chihuahua. Super Inazuma Kick breaks all its limbs. Vote thumbs down on this piece of shit if you have any sense at all, and remember love for this glorious Republic.
Match 2: a bunch of bugs vs. The Most Powerful Robot in the World, Giant Robo
The swarm of bugs mill about the sandy arena muttering to themselves and at times hamming it up to the dumb crowd. The gates open and their opponent emerges in splendor:
…the bugs prostate themselves in worship, and gleefully experience the novelty of death as Giant Robo steps on them one by one. AS SHOULD YOU, you miserable crowd of illiterate fanboys! Now is the time to learn to appreciate Giant Robo’s masculine, nay, HEROIC design that evokes the power and splendor of antiquated Eqyptian deities.
Match 3: VF-1S Strike Valkyrie vs. some red clown
The red clown raises an AT Field. The VF-1S flies up in Valkyrie Mode and fires a hail of missiles aimed at the power cord. Flies down and in circles while the red clown runs out of power. What a joke.
I must compensate the crowd by providing some audiovisual entertainment c/o the greatest idol:
The Republic must also be an example of magnanimity, and thus SPQR gives you Minmay.
Match 4: Gao Gai Gar vs. Sinanju
The King of Braves activates its DIVIDING DRIVER, preventing massive collateral damage to the Coliseum and its audience, but it finds itself alone! The Sinaju stands outside the divide, three times faster than anything Gao Gai Gar can come up with.
GGG splits into its components, thinking that some of the Gao Machines could match the Sinanju in speed, but that was never gonna work. The Sinanju shot and slashed all the Gao machines to pieces, but spared the Liner Gao and offered it to me… because I kind of like trains.
Match 5: The Big 0 vs. Zaku
The Big 0 huffed about histrionically in the Coliseum, promising all sorts of carnage to the lowly Zaku II. However, some Zeon fanboy projected this video for everybody to see:
…and The Big 0 shat bricks and creamed its pants, ruining its ancient and creaky joints into a pile of scrap.
Match 6: Zeta Gundam vs. Escaflowne
The Gundam transforms! It really did, into some kind of watermelon slice that flies! It goes straight for the heart of Escaflowne, but it transforms too and turns into a flying Dragon!
The Zeta is so transfixed by the magnificence that it completely misses and jams itself straight into the wrecked bunghole of The Big 0, where nothing has ever been reported to emerge from… ever.
Match 7: YF-19 Alpha 1 vs Scopedog
An entire battalion of Scopedogs with red shoulders issue forth from the gates skittering in coordinated maneuvers across the sandy Coliseum, but they could not find their opponent. Not having necks, they couldn’t focus well on the position of the Alpha One in Gerwalk mode
Infinite salvo, lock-on! Bread and an Itano Circus wipes out the last of the Red Shoulders and keeps the citizens of the Republic happy. SPQR!
Match 8: Gurren Lagann vs. Arbalest
The populace was aghast at the size difference, but what was disapproving horror turned into sheer disgust as the Arbalest laid waste to the Gurren Lagann with what seemed to be an incomprehensible move.
Some statements from the spectators after the match:
I didn’t even see anything move. Just a bunch of static images and then it was over.
Gurren Lagann never had a chance. I mean, it was like frickin’ TRANS AM, without a time limit… and FASTER!
LISTEN TO MY SONG!
It was so fast, YOU COULDN’T EVEN SEE ANYTHING HAPPEN. The fight was over before we knew it.
Unfortunately, as Consul I can only lead, feed, and entertain the miserable masses. I cannot give them the good sense that allows me to hold this position of responsibility, supposedly earned by being primus inter pares. Thus, I don’t expect the spectacle above to change the minds of anyone and their shitty votes.
“But Consul ghostlightning, you obviously rigged these matches!”
I have no access to the polls. Only ExecutiveOtaku does. As for the matches in the Coliseum, if I really wanted to rig them then the Arbalest would never had won, but the Gurren Lagann never even had a frickin chance. So yes, I MAD.