Sai Mecha Round 2 Voters Guide: BURN IN HELL WITH OBAMA, HITLER, AND STALIN by ghostlightning SPQR

Senatus PopulesQue Republicus of Mecha Anime

Over the course of this tournament I have discovered the remarkable range of perversion, bad sense, and full retardation of people who watch anime with robots in them. I find myself rather alone, unique, special in that I actually vote sensibly, with dignitas and auctoritas as if a Senator in the Epic Era of the Roman Republic. It is only fitting that I accept the honor and responsibility as consul of the Republic of Robot Appreciation with ExecutiveOtaku as Co-Consul.

Despite the Vandals, Gauls, Goths, Huns, Asians and other cultureless hordes that now bang at the gates of the polls with all the sense of a bag of cocks, the Super Dimensional Robot Tournament Sai Mecha moves on. The citizens of the Republic must be entertained, and gladiatorial diversions are in order. To the Coliseum!

Match 1: Gunbuster vs. some purple clown

The purple clown pops up from underground like a mole, then its opponent rises from the underground hangar, arms folded…

Each only has 5 minutes of operating time. The purple clown tears its own armor off, reveals a mouth with teeth, GIVES A LOUD ROAR, crawls on all fours and…

humps the Gunbuster on the leg like a chihuahua. Super Inazuma Kick breaks all its limbs. Vote thumbs down on this piece of shit if you have any sense at all, and remember love for this glorious Republic.

Match 2: a bunch of bugs vs. The Most Powerful Robot in the World, Giant Robo

The swarm of bugs mill about the sandy arena muttering to themselves and at times hamming it up to the dumb crowd. The gates open and their opponent emerges in splendor:

…the bugs prostate themselves in worship, and gleefully experience the novelty of death as Giant Robo steps on them one by one. AS SHOULD YOU, you miserable crowd of illiterate fanboys! Now is the time to learn to appreciate Giant Robo’s masculine, nay, HEROIC design that evokes the power and splendor of antiquated Eqyptian deities.

Match 3: VF-1S Strike Valkyrie vs. some red clown

The red clown raises an AT Field. The VF-1S flies up in Valkyrie Mode and fires a hail of missiles aimed at the power cord. Flies down and in circles while the red clown runs out of power. What a joke.

I must compensate the crowd by providing some audiovisual entertainment c/o the greatest idol:

The Republic must also be an example of magnanimity, and thus SPQR gives you Minmay.

Match 4: Gao Gai Gar vs. Sinanju

The King of Braves activates its DIVIDING DRIVER, preventing massive collateral damage to the Coliseum and its audience, but it finds itself alone! The Sinaju stands outside the divide, three times faster than anything Gao Gai Gar can come up with.

GGG splits into its components, thinking that some of the Gao Machines could match the Sinanju in speed, but that was never gonna work. The Sinanju shot and slashed all the Gao machines to pieces, but spared the Liner Gao and offered it to me… because I kind of like trains.

Match 5: The Big 0 vs. Zaku

The Big 0 huffed about histrionically in the Coliseum, promising all sorts of carnage to the lowly Zaku II. However, some Zeon fanboy projected this video for everybody to see:

Yes, that’s Bernie Wiseman in a fricking Zaku pwning Jesuseiei in the 00 Raiser and Jesus Himself in the Strike Freedom

…and The Big 0 shat bricks and creamed its pants, ruining its ancient and creaky joints into a pile of scrap.

Match 6: Zeta Gundam vs. Escaflowne

The Gundam transforms! It really did, into some kind of watermelon slice that flies! It goes straight for the heart of Escaflowne, but it transforms too and turns into a flying Dragon!

The Zeta is so transfixed by the magnificence that it completely misses and jams itself straight into the wrecked bunghole of The Big 0, where nothing has ever been reported to emerge from… ever.

Match 7: YF-19 Alpha 1 vs Scopedog

An entire battalion of Scopedogs with red shoulders issue forth from the gates skittering in coordinated maneuvers across the sandy Coliseum, but they could not find their opponent. Not having necks, they couldn’t focus well on the position of the Alpha One in Gerwalk mode

Infinite salvo, lock-on! Bread and an Itano Circus wipes out the last of the Red Shoulders and keeps the citizens of the Republic happy. SPQR!

Match 8: Gurren Lagann vs. Arbalest

The populace was aghast at the size difference, but what was disapproving horror turned into sheer disgust as the Arbalest laid waste to the Gurren Lagann with what seemed to be an incomprehensible move.

Some statements from the spectators after the match:

I didn’t even see anything move. Just a bunch of static images and then it was over.

-Lord Genome

Gurren Lagann never had a chance. I mean, it was like frickin’ TRANS AM, without a time limit… and FASTER!

-Ribbons Almark

LISTEN TO MY SONG!

-Nekki Basara

It was so fast, YOU COULDN’T EVEN SEE ANYTHING HAPPEN. The fight was over before we knew it.

-Baron Ashura

Unfortunately, as Consul I can only lead, feed, and entertain the miserable masses. I cannot give them the good sense that allows me to hold this position of responsibility, supposedly earned by being primus inter pares. Thus, I don’t expect the spectacle above to change the minds of anyone and their shitty votes.

“But Consul ghostlightning, you obviously rigged these matches!”

I have no access to the polls. Only ExecutiveOtaku does. As for the matches in the Coliseum, if I really wanted to rig them then the Arbalest would never had won, but the Gurren Lagann never even had a frickin chance. So yes, I MAD.

About ghostlightning

I entered the anime blogging sphere as a lurker around Spring 2008. We Remember Love is my first anime blog. Click here if this is your first time to visit WRL.
This entry was posted in for the lulz, Sai Mecha and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

41 Responses to Sai Mecha Round 2 Voters Guide: BURN IN HELL WITH OBAMA, HITLER, AND STALIN by ghostlightning SPQR

  1. otou-san says:

    tell us about the sunglasses, uncle grandfather. That’s all we want to know. And you forgot one quote.

    “Arbalest is the cancer that’s killing SaiMecha.”
    -JoeQ

  2. J. Marshak says:

    Clearly Rome has become corrupt and decadent. The only solution is to have the senate declare you dictator in perpetuo so you can preserve the dignity of the Republic.

  3. schneider says:

    I love the Zaku II video. I play Gundam VS Gundam and I can tell you that the guy has some very good skills. (I also voted Zaku)

    I think this is the way to go for SaiMecha faggotry posts, as opposed to the last few!

  4. Matt Wells says:

    I agree with you on everything but Big O, GGG and the Scopedog (so yeah, 50/50 again baically). For reasons of aesthetic differences, and because I really love an underdog. Oh, and Chircio COULD take Isamu and Guld anytime of the week, but that’s more due to genetic engineering and OVERMAN than raw piloting ability. Saimecha after all, not Saipilot. Take note voters: Scopedog= underdog. Arablest= Plot armour, God mode, and mode HAX in a REAL ROBOT series. Going up against Gurren Lagann when you too can cheat and kick physics in the nuts does not an underdog make.

    Your bias shines through on GGG though!!! The King of the Braves never fucking un-combined! They only had the budget to combine once an episode! Reversing the animation and drawing four different vehicles moving at once would have burnt up their finances! That cocaine and sexual favours from schoolgirls weren’t going to buy themselves! That crappy, anorexic fake copy Space Nazi/Lolicon wouldn’t even dent GGG! Can the Sinaju atomise its opponents into light particles with the swing of a hammer? I THINK NOT!

    And your description of Big O as “relic of an acient civilisation” is really irritating me. If you’d actually WATCHED the show, irritating Gainax ending and all, you would know that Big O is responsible for the mass amnesia and apocalypse that gave the show its status quo. In terms of in-universe age, its a little under 40 years old. AND it was mass produced. In three different models, land, sea and air variants, with the same basic technology. Real robot elements in a Super robot show ripping off Batman: the Animated Series’ style, who would’ve guessed it?

    And since the Zaku couldn’t even dent the 0079 Gundam, I doubt it could do anything against Big O’s massive Plasma Gimmick attack. You don’t have to dodge or be quick when you have a working I-field (suck it Big Zam!) which can vapourise your opponents into dust. And finally, which Glasses did you vote for? Just being nosy, it was Harry Ord all the way for me.

    Great write up, and easily my favourite thing on the blog you’ve ever done. Make this annual tradition, ya hear me!

    • Underdog-ism is one of the biggest frauds in the history of fandom. Don’t take MY word for it. Take this guy’s!

      http://www.thatanimeblog.com/index.php/2010/06/the-dogs-of-conflict-whos-the-overunder-or-giant-killing-is-best-done-between-giants/

      You don’t watch Super Robot anime because the robots AREN’T super, FFS. Underdog-ism is narrative smoke and mirrors made to mess with your perception. Grow a brain and smell the shit under your nose.

      Guy made a critical mistake of underestimating the Sinanju’s speed and thought he can compensate by cutting off the ring with the Gao Machines. Too bad each one is pathetically matched against the big red.

      WOW IT MUST’VE BEEN ONE SHITTY KIND OF MODERN TO PRODUCE A ROBOT SO UGLY AND OBSOLETE. The Big 0 can swallow Z Gundam in its bunghole and rot with Obama, Stalin, and Hitler.

  5. Dzus (yes it is my last name, DEAL WITH IT) says:

    I agree with you (IDK Gunbuster, never saw the anime) but I voted for the Zeta gundam…so what if it can transform, it has a grenade launcher, a different gundam face, and thrusters that actually make sense.
    And before I go, Sinanju FTW!!!!!!!!!! UNITE AROUND IT AWESOMENESS AND BE SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Dzus (yes it is my last name, DEAL WITH IT) says:

      Also I dare you to see the new Zeta movies and not tell me the newly animated parts of it are not awesome (especially the battles).

    • The only good designs from Z are the Mk II/Super Gundam, the Marasai, the Psycho Gundam, the Hyaku Shiki, The O, and the Qubeley. The rest are terrible ugly shit.

      The Z Movies are full of kisama yatsus and all that shiny new animation still insisted that HUGGING ROBOTS IN SPACE is a real robot tactic.

      Also, for all its merits in removing ZZ Gundam from the canon (even though it failed), it ruined Z Gundam by giving Kamille the happy Fa end instead of the the TRUE END OF VINTAGE TOMINO. Seriously, the TV Series end is one of my most favorite ever.

  6. vendredi says:

    A lot of “real” vs. “super” matchups in this round – I’m curious to see how that might affect the voting.

    Actually you can see the same dichotomy in the sunglasses match too. Baldr and Bajeena have fairly conventional glasses, but wear them well. Ord and Kamina on the other hand clearly utilize very flamboyant sets.

    • It’s an interesting turn of events indeed. What’s equally interesting is that the lead robots in both kinds of shows are invested with the same kind of plot armor anyway.

  7. JoeQ says:

    Match 2: a bunch of bugs vs. The Most Powerful Robot in the World, Giant Robo
    I’m so confused now.

    Match 4: Gao Gai Gar vs. Sinanju
    AAAHAHAAHAHHAAAHAAAHAHAA fuck you no way

    Match 8: Gurren Lagann vs. Arbalest
    Mark my words, this ironic bullshit of yours will lead us all to ruin!

  8. Voted for two giant human precursors with terrible attitude problems, the SaiMoecha contenders, a big fucking hammer, a euphemism for “vagina”, a Big Damn Dragon, some tree-eyed baldie, and the Giant Fucking Universe Rapinator (how the fuck did the other boring piece of shit get this far?)

  9. Turambar says:

    “Now is the time to learn to appreciate Giant Robo’s masculine, nay, HEROIC design that evokes the power and splendor of antiquated Eqyptian deities.”

    Saving this for posterity.

  10. Shinmaru says:

    Wow, I voted almost completely with you this time

  11. WhatSht says:

    didn’t vote for giant robo cause it looks too much like a Egyptian, and due to ghostlightning’s teachings in Earth side round 1,
    “Fat fake Egyptian can go to hell. Guren’s hand is glowing with an awesome power!”
    -Ghostlightning

    Match 7: YF-19 Alpha 1 vs Scopedog, was completely in the YF-19’s favor, given the YF-19’s speed and agility, give it infinite salvo, the Scopedogs are doomed.

    “Some statements from the spectators after the match:
    I didn’t even see anything move. Just a bunch of static images and then it was over.
    -Lord Genome
    Gurren Lagann never had a chance. I mean, it was like frickin’ TRANS AM, without a time limit… and FASTER!
    -Ribbons Almark
    LISTEN TO MY SONG!
    -Nekki Basara”
    lord genome’s was acceptable, Ribbons Almark’s is fantastic, and Nekki Basara’s is just simply awesome.

    Match 3 was epic, why bother setting up a field when you are up against the VF-1

    Nevermind, this guide is good enough, Lord Ghostlightning.

    • The infinite salvo was just the pilot playing around. Remember, all real robot shows deep in their hearts want to be super robot shows. So Isamu just called out an attack that merits no such manly shouting.

      As for the power of the attack itself, your standard Itano Circus would cover nearly the entire Coliseum field: each missile’s blast radius would overlap like a Venn Diagram of Death. Assuming of course that we are talking about Scopedogs here, there really is no chance for them to survive the bombing.

      Match 3, was indeed the source of the most entertainment value thanks to Minmay’s appearance.

      Do not call me Lord, as a Consul of the Senate of our August Republic of Mecha Anime Appreciation I am but Primus Inter Pares (first among equals).

  12. Reid says:

    I was FINALLY 5/6 with you, ghosty! I only voted for the Scopedog over the YF-19 because, well, I voted for the VF-1 and the VF-25 already and I feel like I did my due diligence. Sinanju gonna take this one home!

    • Hehe we can only hope the Sinanju doesn’t act like a pussy in the ring like Mosely did yesterday.

      • Reid says:

        Too. Friggin’. Right. I mean, I like Shane Mosley and all, but now I understand why they call him “Sugar.” That punk is sweeter than cake. After reading all about “underdogism” in thatanimeblog’s post, it occurs to me now that my following Pacquiao makes me a supporter of a Goliath, even though I’ve been following his career from just about all the way back. Still, what we need to see is a confrontation between two Philistine giants: Pacman vs that uber-weaksauce Mayweather.

  13. Universal Bunny says:

    Despite how great it was, we all know what happened to Rome! The defeat of VF-25 was an ill omen. It is a harbinger of the vast hordes of barbarians masquerading as Mecha fans. We have but one hope left – Gunbuster! All Hail Noriko! All Hail Kazumi! Because even if Gunbuster will lose, they will still beat the %*”@ out of Shinji & Co.

    • LOL If you check out my MAL, the only reason that I’m not as big an Eva fan to the readers of this blog is how I’m such a much bigger Macross fan. Eva is my second most favorite show ever. But having said that, the Evangelions as mecha aren’t what I want to win in this tournament, Macross or no Macross.

      • Universal Bunny says:

        Precisely my point. There are lots of great series with mechas, but despite my great affection for Gasaraki and Flag, I can’t picture either Fake or HAVWC in this tournament. As much as I like Eva (and I like it a lot), there is something wrong in world when Evangelions triumph over the awesomeness of the VF-25. Also why I spared no manly tears for RahXephon. 🙂

  14. You dear sir, are a mad man. Apparently, your decadence and affinity for cheap whores has left you in a state of syphilitic dementia. These results could only be culled from the mind of someone who was so. Face it, the moe of the Tachikoma horde can not be stopped. Even your precious Giant Robo will fall, as will all your precious Valkyries.

    My only fear is that the bastard seed of Real Robotism and Gainax-style improbability known by the moniker Arbalest will seize the throne in the chaos. Your time is nigh, dear sir.

    It. Is. Nigh.

    And Lakers suck.

    • Where be cheap whores? You been visiting your go-to village bike Meer Campbell again?

      All is just except the Arbalest.

      Lakers sucked, as they sometimes do but not as often as the never-weres which describe most of the NBA.

  15. Vince says:

    Have you been reading Colleen McCullough’s Master of Rome novels, Consul ghostlightning? And between you and ExecutiveOtaku, who is the senior consul and who is the junior consul?

    • I am the Senior Consul, the one that goes to fucking war. EO runs the Republic — government, public works, taxes, the whole beautiful thing.

      I have read all the Masters of Rome books at least twice. Thrice for everything except Anthony and Cleopatra. I actually discovered it when I saw a hardcover of The Glass Crown at my mom’s house. My favorite is Fortune’s Favorites hands down.

      • Vince says:

        Great to know you’re a fellow fan of the Masters of Rome series. My favorite would be The October Horse.

        And while I’m happy all my choices reached the next round (except for the Scopedog), now I’m sad I have to choose between my favorites.

        • Ceasar passes his peak form as full-on God Mode. I on the other hand enjoyed his childhood and very early career. It remains however, that Sulla is my favorite Roman of all time.

          • Vince says:

            I liked the October Horse because of Octavius actually. He’s my favorite Roman. Caesar chose well his heir.

            And Sulla is more a force of nature than a Roman to me. He created a climate of terror and made the Republic his personal plaything. “No better friend, no worse enemy” indeed!

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